Being Cool in Fandom

[moonshayde]

When the Old Year ends and the New Year begins, I do thinky things. I don't always follow through, but it's a good time for reflection anyway. I expect many of these types of posts over the few days.

I talked a little bit about this before, but it's always something on my mind so I'll talk a bit about it again.

I tend to be a very reserved person. Part of it is my nature and part of it has been shaped by circumstances over the years. Only once I get to know someone do many of those walls crumble. Even then, I can get guarded with people that have known me for a while. I'm always on the defensive to protect myself.

There is a fun, vibrant person inside and that person doesn't get to come out and play much, whether due to insecurities, low self-esteem, fear of confrontation or any number of factors. Like I said, I focus so hard on pleasing people and keeping the peace that I often get lost along the way.

One of my goals is to be more self-confident this year. Now I say this every year and every year I still struggle with it, but I think I get a little bit better as I get older. That also means allowing myself to be comfortable enough with stating my opinion without fear of backlash, hurting someone's feelings, or getting attacked for it. I don't expect to become a full out bitch – I'm far too sensitive to other people for that – but I can't keep living in this self-imposed prison I've created either.

And that goes for fandom as well.



You know it's everywhere. People do whatever it takes to feel accepted.

The opinionated part: I think it's stupid. There is a difference between doing something sheerly for fun and doing something so you can feel big. I like what I like because I like it. Not because I'm trying to impress anyone. I've been there, done that, and meh. It's like giving up a piece of your soul LOL

For the tamer more thoughtful part:

I don't know whether it's because I am trained as an anthropologist or if I just have a natural tendency to pick at things, but I tend to be keenly aware of power relations in life. That goes for fandom too, since fandom is just a microcasm of the real world anyway. It doesn't matter what fandom it is; I just easily spot them. Many people are aware of these dyanmics as well so I'm not claiming it's any kind of gift or anything. In fact, I'd rather be ignorant LOL

One of my major fandom pet peeves is the whole "want to be a Big Name Fan" attitude. Some people are very upfront about their BNF aspirations. Others are sneaky about it. And others are unaware.

Some people become big in fandom just because. They have a story that speaks to the fandom and clicks. They have a personality that is infectious. They are people that have a natural energy and good-natured disposition that just attracts people to them.

I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about the people that actively try to be big and not in ways that are entirely genuine. (Hello, phony.)

The whole topic of BNFdom is a huge and complex one that I am not going to get into here, but I did want to talk about one aspect of it today. That is the "want to be cool" aspect. You know, that whole mentality that went on in junior and senior high school.

I think most people go through it. I know when I was in junior high I wanted to be cool, too, so I bought the Bobby Brown shoes and the diaper pants and all the really stupid stuff that all the cool girls had. In fandom, for me that translated into writing and taking part in aspects of fandom I probably wouldn't have done if I wasn't looking to cement myself more into the fandom consciousness.

I've seen it take on many forms. Getting involved in fandom politics to be cool. Watching a show to be cool. Taking on the interests of a BNF to be cool. Embracing a pairing to be cool. Etc, etc.

It's hard because I think there is a fine line. If you're writing a fic for a friend or doing something fun for each other – wow I love that aspect of fandom. I love the sharing and the energy. I would have never gotten into some of my fave shows without nudging from friends. But there is also the "being part" of something just for the sake of being part of it and feeling like you belong. That is trickier.

And there is always perspective. My pet peeve is another person's reward.

(Now you always have those few souls that just totally march to the beat of their own drum. God bless them for it. Most people aren't like that.)

It's remarkable that fandom (and politics and clubs and work) still have that same mentality. We're always striving for acknowledgment. It's not a bad thing. It only becomes bad (imo) when you lose yourself along the way. I know because I am a highly ambitious person myself. I like attention, feedback, and praise. I've done a lot of stuff for the sake of praise. (And yet, the walking contradiction that I am, I never know what to say when I do get praise.) I just never took it to ultimate extremes. I like attention but not to be the center of attention. It's just fandom, after all.

This isn't some accusatory post about how bad and stupid people are. I'm admitting to having engaged (and likely still do without realizing it) in this sort of thing. It's just as I get older, I become more aware of it, and I see how it plays out in relationships on the internet and real life. It fascinates and annoys me at the same time. I really think people are better than that. There's no need to conform to what others want just so you can be in the "in crowd." There is more than enough squee for everyone ;)

ETA: Completely off-topic, we're discussing diaper pants in the comments. Surely some of you know what diaper pants are. I keep looking online for a picture and I can't find any! They are *not* the same as Hammer/parachute pants. Grr.

Comments

[jedishadowolf.livejournal.com]

You are on a thinky path today aren't you? :)

Incidentally, Meg did an awesome job with that mood theme - can't. stop. staring!

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

I'm feeling very very thinky today. Amd spammy.

And I'm really trying to train my brain into just letting me be myself. I should pst more about what makes me happy. i shouldn't feel guilty about venting or voicing my opinion. I shouldn't feel bad if I want to talk about somethign random.

Plus it's a GREAT excuse for me to use the moodtheme ;)

[cnidarian.livejournal.com]

Dude, I confess I've not got as far as reading under the cut yet. I got distracted by the Dean! You simply must spam-a-lot so I can see more of your moodtheme! *g*

The "hot" one from earlier? Is, well, hot. Those bowed-legs! Who knew? And this one cracks me up. Now...I kinda want to go watch some more spun. *squishes you (and Meg for making it!)*

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

Isn't hot HOT? O.M.G.

Yes. I need to spam just for the sake of The Dean.

[cnidarian.livejournal.com]

I've read the actual content now (I had to google diaper pants) and I agree with you on pretty much every word. The SG1 group of people on LJ are one of the main reasons I plucked up the courage to write, but they aren't my reason for the actual writing. And I'm all for doing prompts for others, but the whole ingratiating thing is something else and, yeah, not pretty.

The Dean. Yes! *goes to change userpic* Most of the time I don't like his attitude on spun, but visually... I'm not disputing the high cute-factor of Sam, but I'm leaning more and more in a Dean direction when it comes to eye candy. I'd probably smack him if I ever really got close, but your moodtheme has the moving without the speaking so it's perfect. (Me, shallow? What, never!)

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

Aren't diaper pants the most hilariously bad thing ever? LOL

See, I like Dean's attitude on SPN. I'm a lot like Dean, actually, but not 100% so I get a pass on some of the nastier aspects. But he's a big marshmellow inside! *hugs him*

I'd kick him where it counts if I knew him in real life, but since he's fictional and tv I can love him with wild abandon because of his flaws :)

[cnidarian.livejournal.com]

I'm at a loss as to how they ever caught on!

Wild abandon. I like the sound of that.

[surreallis.livejournal.com]

I think the other side of the 'desperately wants to be cool' thing, is the 'desperately does NOT want to be disliked' thing. And peer pressure is the ultimate driver in that.

The one thing I have learned over the years, besides the fact that there's no reason to be a dick to people and be proud of that, is that if you can just be yourself you'll draw people to you who will mesh well with you. And that's easier said than done, because if you're in a big meta discussion or someone is yelling at you, it's hard to remember much of anything except whatever impulse is at hand. And I definitely do NOT succeed everyday day in this. But I try, and it's served me well.

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

I think the other side of the 'desperately wants to be cool' thing, is the 'desperately does NOT want to be disliked' thing. And peer pressure is the ultimate driver in that.

They really go hand in hand don't they? I kno as far as myself, I've fallen in that second category where I don't want people to hate me. That can be just as bad as being a dick sometimes.

Big word on being yourself. Easier said than done, but when you just let go and be true to yourself, your natural charisma and personality shine through. And it's such a wonder to behold when you are engaged with people - their realy charm and perosnality. That never fails to exite me.

That is why i think people online and in real life that allow their natural charm to shine through just have that infecticious quality to them. It's something I admire deeply.

[banana-cave.livejournal.com]

Whenever you make posts like this, I realize how disconnected from fandom I really am. I just like what I like and chat about it. I *want* to be a part of "fandom" to be a part of something cool, but really I'm not.

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I truly think that just chatting about what you like is the true spirit of this thing we call fandom. Why bother with the politics of fandom? With people fighting to get the most comments or feedback or to be adored by fellow fans? I don't know how much it goes on in SPN, but I've seen it at work in other fandoms.

But every fandom I've watched or participated in there is this definite drive for attention. Like I said, there isn't anything wrong with that. I think we all have it to a certain extent or else we wouldn't be here. It's just when that enjoyment turns into something else is where I argue people need to stop and decide if that's what they really want.

In the end people are just going to do whatever they want anyway LOL

And just being around and talking to other people is really being part of fandom. So I think you're part of something cool :)

I also study everything so you may just want to ignore when I start to psuychoanalyze everything including the kitchen sink LOL

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

Now...I kinda want to go watch some more spun.

I heard that. And I plan on holding you to it. :P

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

Why, thank you. ;)

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

You know, if I'd known making you a Dean moodtheme would actually get you to POST sometimes, I would have done it ages ago. :P

(That one's still my favourite, heehee!)

Also... wow, feeling brave today, aren't we? You know I totally agree, but I'll say it anyway... I totally agree.

And that is officially the weirdest ETA I've ever seen. ;)

[banana-cave.livejournal.com]

LOL that's okay. Psychology is my thing, so I'm always interested in analyzing everything myself, or reading what other people think!

I enjoy the people who I talk to who like Supernatural! I can't speak for all of fandom, tho.

Part of my feeling disconnected from fandom has to do with all the anime I watch. I like dubs, and I like using legal means to obtain anime (watching on TV, buying/renting DVDs). Most people who watch it will download the shows as soon as they come out in Japan. It takes months for shows to get picked up and be legally available. So by the time I'm watching something, I avoid it on the internet so I don't see spoilers, and when its over I get involved in the fandom, which has moved on to something else by that point in time. If I'm making any sense.

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

I can't stop staring! The pretty is too much for my fragile mind to take!

Not brave enough ;) But I'm trying *really* hard to shake off some of the neurotic weight I've accumulated over the past couple of years and be more like myself. It's HARD.

Diaper pants. Oh come on. They wre huge in like 1991. Butt ugly, but huge. I had some.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Huh--I really hadn't given this much thought at all. I know that Big Name Fans exist, but I hardly know any of their names, and I have no idea how they get to be BNFs. I wouldn't want to be. I want feedback (yes, feed me, Seymour!), but I don't want to be noticed enough to get too much negative feedback! That's probably sad in itself.

I think I try to avoid fan politics, but I may not be. I'm not sure exactly where "politics" ends and "pet peeves and pet likes" begin.

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

In 1991 I wore mostly dresses/skirts, only hung around with girls who also wore dresses/skirts, and if I ever wore pants they certainly weren't fashionable. So yeah, I have never heard that term before, LOL. Though I think I can picture what you're talking about from movies and stuff. Weirdo. :P

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

Think tapered pants - wide at the hips and then close to leg at the ankles. Think like taking your pckets inside out and them being HUGE. Those flaps would then cross over from the right and the left and would button in the middle in the center below your belly button.

They were so bizarre. I don't know why we thought we were so cool!

[meg-tdj.livejournal.com]

No... I don't know why either. ;)

[moonshayde.livejournal.com]

It's just the way I am. I *see* it even when I am not looking for it. I honestly think part of my hypersensitivity is that I studied this sort of thing in school for many years. Then, I became very aware of it online and I haven't been able to stop seeing it LOL

Avoiding fan politics is the best way to go. I'm mostly an observer myself, but I have transgressed before ;)

[superbadgirl]

I've never been cool, in fandom or in RL. I might have brushed against it in SG-1, but that got me a fat lot of nothing in the end. I'm sure I've got a secret desire for some acceptance. Okay, maybe it's not so secret, but being popular isn't high on my list of things to do, really.

And fandom is so whack. It's a wonderful sort of whack, but whack nonetheless. ;)

Also, I have no idea what diaper pants are.

Social evolution 1

[dodger-winslow.livejournal.com]

Interesting post. I love it when fen put their thinky-brains to the social dynamics of fandom and am tickled to see you've decided to step out a little and speak to some things on your mind. As you mention, fandom is, in many ways, a microcosm of all society. And equally, I'd note that most of the basic drivers of human behavior don't change that much between the onset of unsupervised social interaction (high school) and whenever so much as they simply dress themselves in different clothes (although diaper pants? Dude ... that is SO wrong).

So the whole need to be accepted? The need to be cool? The drive to misrepresent and/or recreate yourself to others for the sole purpose of seeking power, acceptance and/or positive reinforcement? Pretty much the evolutionary legacy of our most primative ancestors, fannishly inclined or otherwise. How those drives are articulated? Often defines where one ranks in the social structure, as well as how well an individual will do in the reproductive agenda of replicating their own genes to a genetic future.

Which, in fandom terms, would best be embraced by the idea of "I'll talk football (Wincest) to hold the attention (get comments and/or prompt responses to posts and/or comments) of the cute boy (BNF) all the other girls (non-BNFs) consider the best catch, thus assuring myself both social status with my peers (quasi-BNF status) and ongoing interaction with someone who gives me my best chance of propogating to the future (being remembered when we speak, and well after, even if what we said wasn't all that freakin memorable).

So growing yourself an interest in subjects in which you might not have any interest beyond what an interest in said subject buys you with others who find that subject interesting? That's not conformity or the surrender of self identity. That's simply human nature. And there's nothing particularly disengenuous about it, in and of itself, if limited to the kinds of individuality compromise that have always been the hallmark of social species from the time we climbed down out of trees and started picking nits off one another's ass for sake of buying reciprocal care in return. Is it annoying? Particularly in the ways it is often done in fandom? Sure. Often so. And to many ... sometimes even those engaging in such behaviors themselves for what they perceive to be a greater gain worth the cost of their own annoyance. But disengenuous and/or uniquely overdone in fandom? Nah. I don't think so, at least. It's simply human nature driving us to manipulate our behavior and/or choices in order to get what we want and/or need. That's personal evolution in a microcosm. And with such an overwhelming percentage of individuals who actively engage in fandom-related activites being 1) young, 2) poorly or inadequately socialized, 3) in personal transition from one state of self identity to another and/or 4) evolving beyond the parameters of their heretofor small community to a larger, more diverse, and more socially demanding community that both prides itself on individuality and autonomy while demanding social compromises in order to participate, it is, IMO, far more often a positive dynamic than any reflection that a large group of people simply lack the spine to stand aside from the in-crowd and call themselves a worthwhile community.

Rather, ANY community will inevitably develop its own social structure, and that structure will inevitably include their own articulation of the BNF dynamic. That's part of who we are as social animals. But one of the many wonderful things about fannish social dynamics (amongst the many not-so-wonderful things that equally exist) is how often the fandom community accepts others who cannot or will not find social acceptance elsewhere, and how often the fandom community will celebrate the individuality of all comers even at the same time as they are teaching those individuals (every relevant skills about) how to get along in a larger group (very much like the real world outside the walls of fandom) that can be both loving and predatory, both inclusive and exclusive, both supportive and crushing.

Both cool and un-cool, and pretty much everything else in between.

(continued)

Social Evolution 2

[dodger-winslow.livejournal.com]

(continued)

Thanks for bringing up a cool subject and stepping forward to offer some specific opinions on it. That whole social evolution thing? Look at little reserved you, taking on the subject of BNFs and their hanger-onners and applying your own unique and experienced perspective to the end of courting the potential for someone to disagree with what you are saying. That's quite a bold step, don't you think? And very interesting, on a very interesting subject. There's evolution for you: your own individuality stepping forward to assert itself on a subject that interests you, and you've been around the pool long enough to realize it likely holds interest to others as well.

Huzzah, my friend. And thank you for an interesting brain break from the real world of holiday madness.

[elanurel.livejournal.com]

I actually had an experience last year that brought the whole point about fandom and politics home. That was the month (because it was a whole series full of crap I will refrain from going into) where I realized two things:

1. I wasn't twelve. And I'm too old to worry about people who act that age with their behavior.

2. I was just going to do what I loved (which, from a fandom perspective, is writing) and let people accept me or not.

I mean, let's face it. If I was out there for fandom kudos, I would not be writing what I do in the fandom I am writing it for 90% of the time. I guess I just look at things now from the perspective of: we're all in this together, we all like something similar and we enjoy it in the ways that we want to.

Ah, I am sounding terribly existential with nothing of real substance...

*face palms*